Families can help addicts

Because alcoholism and drug addiction are family diseases, everyone in the family is affected. Unfortunately, while well-intentioned family members go to great lengths to try to help their addicted loved one, much of that help is misguided. Efforts are often directed toward getting the addicted person out of trouble rather than addressing the drug problem itself. Here are 10 things that family members can do (or avoid) to provide the type of assistance that will increase the likelihood that their loved one will obtain help.

1. Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction. Addiction is mystifying and baffling and the addicted individual is a source of confusion and manipulation. Families must find out what they are dealing with.
2. Don't rescue the addicted person. Consequences are what lead a person to seek help. When family members remove the consequences, they remove the motivation to get help.
3. Don't support the addicted person financially. Addiction is expensive and, in the end, most of the cost is burdened by the family. In one way or another, money given to the addicted person goes for the purchase of alcohol or drugs. Paying for the person's rent, utility bills and legal fees is enabling and supports continued drug use.
4. Don't analyze the person's drinking or drug use. Neither the family nor any other situation caused the person to become addicted in the first place. So, because no one is at fault, no one is to blame. Remember: addiction is a disease.
5. Don't make idle threats. Families must say what they mean and mean what they say. Addicted people do not respond to threats; they have a history of being rescued by the family and therefore do not believe that the family will follow through on threats.
6. Don't extract promises. There is a strong tendency for family members to elicit promises from the addicted person while they are rescuing. Addicts are unable to keep promises. They may sincerely wish to, but their disease prevents them from following through.
7. Don't preach, lecture or try to reason. No one can talk an addict into recovery or make him feel guilty enough to seek recovery. These tactics just don't work. Remember that only consequences are powerful enough to break the hold the disease has on the person.
8. Do avoid reactions of anger and pity. However angry a family member gets over the addict's behavior, there will follow a corresponding feeling of pity. Also, anger is easily endured and manipulated by the addict's disease.
9. Don't accommodate the disease. Addiction is a subtle foe. It will gradually infiltrate a family's home, lifestyle and attitudes in ways that often go unnoticed. Examples of accommodation include locking up valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the addicted person might cause embarrassment, adjusting one's work schedule to be home with addict, and not taking a vacation for fear of not being available for the addict.
10. Do focus upon your own life and responsibilities. Families must identify areas of their lives that have been neglected because of their focus on the addiction. It is important to reclaim one's life or the disease will hold the family hostage as well.

There is much reason for hope for those addicted to alcohol or other drugs, but it is important for families to deal effectively with their loved one. I encourage families to attend my Loved Ones Group as a way of obtaining some basic information and guidance. The group meets each Wednesday from 6 until 7 p.m. at The Counseling Center, Inc., 1634 Eleventh Street, Portsmouth. You can also call me at The Counseling Center at (740) 354-6685.